On Turning 31

~still becoming

And I do feel something about it. I always have. Birthdays have never been ordinary to me. I look forward to them. There is a sense of arrival, of being held for a moment in time.

I thought there would be a point where life would feel settled. Not perfect, but steady. Like a chair that does not wobble when you sit on it.

But I am still adjusting the legs of that chair. Some days it holds. Some days it tilts.

There are parts of me that feel whole. I can stand in a classroom and speak with ease. I can help others find words. I understand things when I sit down to write.

And then there are the smaller places.

The part of me that bargains with my body. The part that looks for comfort at the end of a long day. The part that wants to be seen without having to explain how. The part that knows I am loved, and still waits for it to arrive in a certain way.

I am learning to stay with all of it.

For a long time, I treated every gap like something to fix. If I could get the routine right, the timing right, the words right, I would finally feel complete.

Now I am less interested in completing myself.

I want to live as I am, even when things are unfinished.

I do not fear getting older.

I was told I should. That time moves against women. That there is a moment when things begin to slip.

I have never felt that inside me.

I love this decade. I love who I am becoming here. I feel more at home in myself. I am less willing to shrink. I do not want to perform a version of myself that feels easier for the world.

There is a kind of joy here. It comes from seeing your life more clearly. From choosing what stays. From letting some things be.

I have also started to wonder about growth.

What if it is not a straight line. What if it circles back.

You meet the same questions again. The same habits. The same desires. But you are not the same person standing there anymore.

Something has shifted. Maybe softer. Maybe steadier.

And that is enough.

This year, I want to move without fear.

Not fear of time. Not fear of falling behind. Not fear of not being enough.

Just a life that feels chosen.

I do not feel like I have arrived at 31.

But I am here. And I like this place.