look closely

Are you ?

Dear,

Look closely

Look at YOU and this life

Is this really the life you imagined?

And most importantly, is this the life you deserve?

You run on autopilot. Often. You settle too. Somewhere as you grew up, you started to lose the lustre of our curious eyes to bills, emails and pdfs. And the most dangerous of it all, YOU BELIEVED: you believed that you weren’t smart enough/good enough/talented enough/tough enough/beautiful enough when a person/ situation/an event or life in general convinced you to. You just got convinced and you told yourself the same. Didn’t you?

Well, I did. More often than not, I did.

I am/was* an insecure person. Growing up, I ticked all the meh, other boxes of the binary (black, fat, hence ugly). I remember this particular instance distantly when a bunch of young, stupid women pointed at me and just began laughing. They called upon others to see the ugly duckling only to laugh endlessly. I was a spectacle for them, little did they know this spectacle was slowly losing her sense of self then.

With a lacking sense of self, I always felt like a fraud or an imposter. I feel/felt everything that I have worked immensely hard for has just come by with sheer luck or that I just don’t deserve it.

And you know the funniest part? I am the first one to run around and convince people to believe in themselves. I frown upon my loved ones if they say unkind words to themselves. I spend hours reinstating faith in them. I write a thousand words to tell them to love, forgive and accept them for who they are.

And the same “ME” at the drop of a hat refuses to “SEE MYSELF”. But since the past ten years and counting, I have been on a journey of self-discovery; understanding patterns, unlearning gazillion different things and relearning how to love, forgive, embrace and accept myself. I try to be more mindful: of how I perceive, and how I talk to myself. This is self-care to me.

And happy to report, I have come farrrr ahead.

Today, I like me.

Today, I embrace myself.

Today, I accept myself a lot more.

Today, I would want to be nobody else, but me.

But this journey hasn’t been the rosiest or the easiest. It has taken immense courage, tears and a lot of inner work to reach “today”. And at the same time, there are days I spiral back into the not-so-nice rabbit holes, but I somehow make my way out of it.

Do you know why?

Because

Look at her,

Every time the train of words, or thoughts says “not smart enough/not good enough/not beautiful enough/ not tough enough/ not talented enough”, I am referring to her. And I would never, ever do that to this little Aachieo. Rediscovering her has been the most fulfilling experience of my journey.

She reminds me “together we have joys to chase, dreams to fulfil and the world to conquer”.

And I want to. Solely, for her.

Whenever there is a new hindrance, she peeps at my anxious thoughts, reassures me with “it is what it is, now deal with it” and pushes me with “you didn’t come this far, only to come this far”

Whenever I am overwhelmed by the different paths before me and end up procrastinating, she tells me “your life is not uncertain. You are”.

Whenever I feel scared at trying out new things, she laughs at the chaos building in my brain, she shakes me up with, “ your attempt to escape this will only make you more fearful”

And whenever I am exhausted living on earth, she hugs me with, “life here is both beautiful and terrifying. At once, it may break your heart and also lift your heart. Allow yourself the heights, the dip, the drown and the overflow. Look unflinchingly at everything. Be present to it all and see the magic unfold.”

And this my dear is the beautiful life you deserve!

Until I get to tell you more next week,

Love

Aachieo

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Now, time for goodies.

from me to you

I was watching this when I got to know something spectacular.

When Huberman tells you to DO things, you just DO

The ironman you never saw