fear is a friend

sit with him for a while, maybe?

I am petrified of testing new waters, absolutely scared. Every time a new door opens in life, my brain immediately shuts, it transforms into an ice gola, and is already a frozen yoghurt ice cream. Next, like an unwanted guest on Sundays, fear barges in to say “hi” and brings along goodies like “What if, what if, what if, but-but-but,”. Now, it’s time for hating the guest, spiralling into analysis-paralysis and finally bidding bye to maybe “better” things.

I have wilfully closed many, many doors because I told myself that ‘I was not ready for it’, until one day it struck my April fool brain that ‘I will never be fully ready, so just do the thing’.

But, it’s easier thought of and said than done.

Whenever I got down to trying things beyond my comfort, there came an inherent resistance, the non-identical twin of fear. And dodging it, I tell you, can be absolutely frustrating.

I sat down to ask myself, “why ? why am I scared?” only to realise

Maybe because I desired perfection, a state where everything flows to and from me naturally and anything I do - even if for the first time, it has to be bulls-eye and in this process, I demonized the other ; the possible goof-ups, mistakes and an imperfect me.

the fear was actually a friend

trying to tell me ;

I was the one holding myself back, that I needed to honour all seasons of life and that my idea of a “perfect self” is stupid, instead focus on a “learning, unlearning and relearning self”

he told me ; “It’s okay even if you are not fully ready, but can you be ready to learn?”

I try to engrave that in me. I succeed in doing that on 3 out of 5 days and I guess I want to be the tortoise in this game. Slow and steady?

So now everytime a new door slyly opens, my inner child recites :

Aachie, I know you don’t have it figured out and you are feeling nervous

But trust me we can learn as we go

even if you fail, its okay, YOU ARE LOVED.

So step up, please? for me?

And my 27 year old body picks up : Okaaaay, I am not ready yet fully, but I can try, and I will try!

This was my story of befriending fear. Can you tell me yours?

~ If you have reached till here, thank you. Here’s a list of goodies (links) I want to leave you with.

a song to keep you afloat this week

understand your fears says Huberman

draw to calm your nerves

Picture credits : Ottokim

Let’s make tuesdays , tryingtuesdays? and even if you falter, you are loved.

Until next week

Taataaaa

Aachie.