and he walks with me
always will.
Dear,
This Tuesday happens to be September 13 and it’s a meh day here at Aachie-ving. It is three years to Acha’s disappearance from the physical realm only to be present on wallpapers and in dreams.
I am fairly okay now.
Fairly, because I am an emotional monkey on days when I see fathers dropping daughters to school; when it hits me that I can never see or listen to Acha calling me “Aaaaachie” ever in this lifetime.
Credits: Ottokim
Contrary to the world’s words of solace, when someone passes, life comes to a standstill. It is weird, initially, you can’t seem to figure out what just happened, you run on autopilot, and it may also seem unfair. Although grief makes life feel empty and sinking initially, once you realise that grief is love with no place to go, you begin again. You ought to, because life doesn’t end here, and it shouldn’t either.
Coping with the death of a loved one is hard but dear, it is part of the human ordeal.
It is what it is.
Over time, I have learnt to grow around my grief. I have learnt to translate it to love.
Today, I want to celebrate my Acha and everything that I learnt from him. As a man of few words, he was never didactic. Everything I imbibed from him is experiential and let me list that down for you :
1. Childlike curiosity and lifelong learning.
Acha IS an avid reader and an art enthusiast. He wasn’t born into it, instead followed everything that kindled a spark within him. Acha maintained journals where he wrote down new words that he learnt, the PowerPoint he found interesting and wrote down bullet points on new-found knowledge on everything from Carnatic music to like digital marketing.
2. Efforts over perfection.
I vividly remember how Acha taught me how to make dosa, maybe why I love dosa so much, apart from how yum it is. Every time he poured the batter it did not manifest as perfect round dosa, but he tried his best. He smilingly told me to focus on the circular motion of my hands than the shape that gets formed.
3. Being authentic to your core self.
Acha is an extremely giving person. I remember asking him why he was kind to people who reaped benefits and also spoke behind his back. He told me something that I still keep very very close to my heart which roughly translates to,
“Aachie, Let people be who they are, that’s their nature, but always uphold who you are within. Never let anything change your core.”
4. Care only about what’s within your control.
While at Davis, upon getting a super low grade for my PhD essay, I called up Acha and wailed, “Achaaa, eniku bhudhhi illa, eniku onnum arinjooda”( translates to I am not intelligent, I don’t know a thing), to which he laughed and said, “ Aaachie, its okay, just try again. Give your best and the rest will be taken care of”. Since I can remember, Acha has been an advocate of giving your best efforts over outcomes.
5. Writing: a creative extension of being human.
As a 4th standard kid rote learning multiplication table and capitals, I told Acha that I can’t remember a thing, he looked around and gave me a book and pen. The next evening as he came home, I circled him, jumped and shouted, “Achaaaa magic, I remember everything perfectly” Since then, I write to learn. I write to understand. I write to comprehend the human experience. I even made sense of his passing by inking it down.
And the list goes on.
Against all odds, Acha’s life hacks keep me going.
Although his lifetime would never be enough for me. Although somedays, I still linger in sadness.
But it is what it is.
I cannot undo it. But I know he handholds me, would nudge me to try a little harder and keep moving.
And I will.
I am grateful that I got to be his daughter. I am happy that he lives through me and I can carry him beyond through stories.
Lastly,
If there is something I learnt while navigating a number of human losses and learning to row again, it is this :
This life here is indeed a gift, kyoodies!
~~~~
Here are a few gifts from me :
If you are wanting to read a book, please consider this
some wildflowers to make you smile
If I want you to open a link, it is this
Till I see you next week,
Love
Aachie.
This has my heart💖💝